A creeping change has been spreading through the halls of TRIUMF's facility. Researchers have been seen darting between rooms and whispering to each other of rumors of an unspeakable movement. People are getting jittery, impatient, and anxious of the foreboding atmosphere so contagious that we are left with nothing but emptiness as we wait for the April 3rd National Hockey League (NHL) player trade deadline to pass...
"At first, I thought it had something to do with all the construction happening on site," said TRIUMF Director Nigel Lockyer, "but it turns out that we are all feeling the pressure of the April 3rd deadline that is more menacing than accelerating particles down a beamline. I can feel their anxiety from the moment I come in in the morning."
For about a year now, the prized Vancouver Canuck goaltender Luongo has been tossed back in forth in conversations of trade in the NHL. His career as the Canucks' goalie has brought his team, and his fans, great pride and success. Since the playoff's last year, Schneider has earned his role as the new starting goalie, moving Luongo to the back seat.
"It's a big science, eh" said Canuck head coach Vigneault of Schneider's goaltending, as reported in MetroNews a few weeks ago.
With the player trade deadline nearing, like most Vancouverites, the TRIUMF lab is reluctant to consider handing Luongo over to another NHL team. This player has made history with us, memories unforgettable. In fact, this stress and anxiety is exactly what perspired last season and during the infamous lockout; luckily, as of today, we still have our Canadian star to call our own.
When TRIUMF Director Nigel first considered the heartache that would result from losing him several months back during the lockout, it ignited within him a passion and drive to step up to be the first to take action for his city. After months of private meetings, lengthy debates, and hushed discussions, the Board of Directors has agreed to buy out the Vancouver Canucks – the team in its' entirety with no players left behind.
"It's time for someone to stand up to these discriminating player trades," declares Nigel, assuring that most of the team elements will remain the same.
So what does this mean?
All team players, coaches, and support staff will remain in their current position. The only change to personnel will be bringing in a theoretical physicist to consult on game strategy, to bring new perspective to the team.
It has been decided that the logo, jersey, and mascot will remain the same as well. The logo has changed a dozen or so times throughout the years so the Board felt that it was not necessary to make further changes. As Nigel explains, "there was a lot of support for keeping Fin the Whale as the team mascot since he already looks like some kind of subatomic particle in motion!"
Other changes include renaming the team from the Vancouver Canucks to the Atom Smashers. This will confirm the aggressive force behind the teams' defensemen. Additionally, the Cyclone Trophy, awarded annually to most valuable player, will now be referred to as the Cyclotron Trophy. Currently under construction, there will be a small ice rink hosted inside the ARIEL building to be used mainly for team practice.
"The best part is that we will be able to create better cheers and chants now that we have connected hockey to particle physics".
- Reported by Mischievious Melissa B. & Artful Elle C.
Please note the publication date of this article when considering its verity.